The wheel goes round: Breaking News

There was a time when Doordarshan used to air news twice a day. Then came in liberalization and cable television and there were dozens of channels. Competition set in big time. So the usual strategies of marketing had to be applied. Some became generalists while others specialized.

Some channels applied STP, and even Porter and Kotler would have been proud. Hence were born the hindi news channels.

Segmentation: Desperate housewives, Grumpy husbands, carefree teenagers, just about anybody who had time

Targeting: Catching attention when surfing channels

Positioning: As live entertainment. Blurring boundaries between fact and fiction.

So when there was no news, it could be created and manufactured. It became news when Dhoni sneezed. They suddenly found aliens. They rediscovered Ravan’s Lanka and his private jet 'pushpak'.

They suddenly knew about celebrity affairs even before it happened. They knew about actresses’ cat fights, their fantasies, and their diet plan, their puppy, their toilet floor tiles and even their lingerie.

They made heroes and villains at the drop of a hat. And of course make a celebrity of common women and men. As prince the child went for a toss in a trench, he came out victorious and a national celebrity. Suddenly it was a media trend. More and more children started falling in trenches to attain that elusive ‘princedom’.

Here I present some of the actual headlines ( of course collected from multiple online sources…. How I am jealous of their creative facilities) :

· AMITABH BACHCHAN KO THAND LAGI (Big B catches cold)

· Chajje pe billi rani (cat on the terrace)

· COMMISSIONER KA KUTTA MILA (commissioner’s dog found )

· Sanjay Dutt ate only fruits in jail (as if we care)

· Dhoni gets a new haircut. (getting a haircut seems to be more important than getting runs)

· Junglee Chudel ne aurat ke baal khiche (wild female ghost pulls the hair of a woman....newer traits of ghosts)

· Hatyara baap beti ke pyaar ka dushman (murderer daddy enemy of daughter’s love)

· Aaj hogi Shivani ki shaadi (shivani marries today…. But who is she????)

· KYA KEHTA HAI AAPKA BHAVISHYA…ABHI PHONE KIJIYE (dial to know your future…………..but they missed the terror strikes and the recession…howcum)

· Kya prince gaddhe se nikal paayega (will prince be out of the hole)

· World cup me jeet ke liye anushthan (religious ceremony to win the world cup)

· They even predicted the end of ‘Kaliyug’

And there’s more to come…..

Kaliyug doomed to its end……and ..and There would be ‘Satyug’ again

And many more….Changez Khan and Timur to re-emerge from history books and attack….…….

And how a ghost steals your clothes (from where.. ...wardrobe, laundery or your body)

About secret chants and your pleas to goddesses …….Who the hell is Madan maharaj???? :)

And some more….. like they found this soul emerging from the earth…and a dwarf from the

deep..'horror' !!

So what is the learning……

Now after going through a couple of marketing courses last year and some niche courses this year…

You know that what you have just seen is revolutionary…

· It brings forth the latent demand for useless news
· Our sadist instincts and fears inside us (attacks of Timor and ‘Chudail’ stories)
· Uses celebrities for free advertising (Amitabh, Dhoni) Cost cutting measures
· Zero cost product (news out of nowhere)
· Now-a –days has expanded to laughter shows and film music…. And yes…BABA RamDev

The result:

· Happy housewives and saved marriages as TV kept them from fighting
· New lease of life to religion…as the world was ending
· Large revenue gain for all kinds of tantriks, bangali babas, astrologers as the culture catches up
· Prospective cricketers taking good care of their mane
· Any news is good news
· Creativity is inversely proportional to the availability of quality news
· News the best form of complete entertainment