common WEALTH

Commonwealth games are about to begin in a few days. And even before they begin, they are already turning out to be a revelation. And why not, they have gathered enough publicity for all wrong reasons. There are so many skeletons that have been let out of the cupboard and so much more that wait in the wings to be unleashed when we least expect them to.

But then let me look at it differently. What if I had been an official in charge of handling contracts for commonwealth games? What if I had been a politician having considerable clout over the games. What if I were to manage a major chunk of funds? What if I knew there was little or no chance of me getting caught. What if I knew that I was not alone in the crime, and that I had partners known and unknown scattered all over. What if I knew that even if I was caught, it would be extremely difficult to prove me guilty? What if I were aware that even if caught red handed I could always bribe my way through the system?  What if I knew that the Commonwealth games were a lifetime opportunity to create some wealth of my own? What if I knew it and also the same idea had been reinforced by others on me time and again that if didn’t do it, someone else definitely will.

What if I knew the Commonwealth games' wealth was provided for by the common man but could be exploited by anyone who had anything in 'common' with the Games? All you needed was to play well.

What if I were the one who had paid bribes for every certificate he had to obtain. What if the only lure I had to join a govt. job was not the salary but what topped it. What if lubricating my way through the system was normal for every bolt and nut and hinge was now rusted. What if the people managing these systems had forgotten to get it serviced time and again. What if the system itself had run out its utility and was a chunk of scrap metal which was forcing to operate the way we wanted it to. It made sounds, broke down, cracked but we would not leave it; we would not repair it; and yet night and day we would curse it.

If a decision is called for, the commonwealth games build up seems like a farce and all involved in the multiple multimillion scams are guilty. But we ignore the larger picture.

Let the games begin…..

Virtual Buddha

One day I was out in the country. Away from the hustle and bustle of the city I was providing my lungs the luxury of some fresh air. I was completely at leisure and feeling calm and serene. I thought this was another world. May be somebody in good faith had put me inside a time machine and I had travelled back in time by atleast a century. I looked as far as I could see, and I spotted not a single motor driven machine. I saw the birds flying and making various shapes as their flights one after the other went over me.

 I saw the water in the pond and it was clear; clear like the morning dew and in it was reflected the light of the evening sun- reddish. I saw the old banyan tree, with its ageing branches and the roots hanging from them. It said that timelessness was a quality to be understood and preserved. I walked up to it and now it was almost dark. But darkness was nothing but the absence of light. Soon there were hundreds and thousands of fireflies around me, and everything became illuminated. I saw wise old owl perched right on my shoulder as if whispering those words of wisdom in to my ears.

 I felt enlightened like the Buddha. This was my own Bodhi tree.

But then I walked, for stagnation was as good as resignation. So I walked across the fields in the moonlit night. I saw rows of huts and wells and small granaries. As dawn approached and the eastern sky started turning crimson, I saw bare-chested men sleeping in the open wearing nothing but loin clothes after a long vigil through the night to protect their crops. As morning descended, I washed at a spring and it was the sweetest water I ever drank.  I felt blessed and thanked God for everything he had provided mankind with. My hands folded, I kneeled down under the blue sky and my lips said a silent prayer. It was heavenly and like a dream. I never wanted to wake up.

Suddenly there were bright lights and then total darkness. I felt as if I had been sleeping. Then I remembered that voice. I had been there at the start instructing me to breathe easy and relax. Now it said:

“Abhishek, your balance of Rs. 1.5 lakh has come to an end, so we have had to terminate your ‘virtual bliss’ session abruptly. Kindly recharge to avail of our services.  To know about premium offers press 8, to listen to……… blah, blah and blah”

Hell!! I thought. This was just virtual reality. How could anything like that be actually true? And I walked out on the street where vehicles were zooming past me. Some of them skidded on the street while most were up in the air zooming past apartment windows, none of which were open. There was a lot of noise and even more billboards. Even the sidewalks carried advertisements that were changing. Promotional campaign was being played in the open air (not on a screen) at all places through the similar virtual reality techniques. It was difficult to tell real from virtual. Perhaps the more perfect they looked; the further they were from reality. And then I spotted my own public carrier as the device in my ear announced its arrival. As I was vacuum-sucked in to with maximum comfort, my thoughts took me again below that Bodhi tree. I felt foolish for not realizing that something as wonderful could only be virtual.

Hardly did I know then that hordes and hordes of our ancestors were laughing at us and crying at the same time.

Breaking News

    There was a time when Doordarshan used to air news twice a day. Then came in liberalization and cable television and there were dozens of channels. Competition set in big time. So the usual strategies of marketing had to be applied. Some became generalists while others specialized.

Some channels applied STP, and even Porter and Kotler would have been proud. Hence were born the hindi news channels.

Segmentation: Desperate housewives, Grumpy husbands, carefree teenagers, just about anybody who had time

Targeting: Catching attention when surfing channels

Positioning:  As live entertainment. Blurring boundaries between fact and fiction.

 So when there was no news, it could be created and manufactured. It became news when Dhoni sneezed. They suddenly found aliens. They rediscovered Ravan’s Lanka and his private jet 'pushpak'.

They suddenly knew about celebrity affairs even before it happened. They knew about actresses’ cat fights, their fantasies, and their diet plan, their puppy, their toilet floor tiles and even their lingerie.

They made heroes and villains at the drop of a hat. And of course make a celebrity of common women and men. As prince the child went for a toss in a trench, he came out victorious and a national celebrity. Suddenly it was a media trend. More and more children started falling in trenches to attain that elusive ‘princedom’.

Here I present some of the actual headlines ( of course collected from multiple online sources…. How I am jealous of their creative facilities) :

·      AMITABH BACHCHAN KO THAND LAGI (Big B catches cold)

·  Chajje  pe billi rani (cat on the terrace)

·    COMMISSIONER KA KUTTA MILA (commissioner’s dog found )

·      Sanjay Dutt ate only fruits in jail (as if we care)

·      Dhoni gets a new haircut. (getting a haircut seems to be more important than getting runs)

·      Junglee Chudel ne aurat ke baal khiche (wild female ghost pulls the hair of a woman....newer traits of ghosts)

·      Hatyara baap beti ke pyaar ka dushman (murderer daddy enemy of daughter’s love)

·      Aaj hogi Shivani ki shaadi (shivani marries today…. But who is she????)

·      KYA KEHTA HAI AAPKA BHAVISHYA…ABHI PHONE KIJIYE (dial to know your future…………..but they missed the terror strikes and the recession…howcum)

·        Kya prince gaddhe se nikal paayega (will prince be out of the hole)

·       World cup me jeet ke liye anushthan (religious ceremony to win the world cup)

·      They even predicted the end of ‘Kaliyug’

And there’s more to come…..

Kaliyug doomed to its end……and ..and There would be ‘Satyug’ again

And many more….Changez Khan and Timur to re-emerge from history books and attack….…….

And how a ghost steals your clothes (from where.. ...wardrobe, laundery or your body)

About secret chants and your pleas to goddesses …….Who the hell is Madan maharaj????  :)

And some more….. like they found this soul emerging from the earth…and a dwarf from the 

deep..'horror'  !!

So what is the learning……

Now after going through a couple of marketing courses last year and some niche courses this year…

You know that what you have just seen is revolutionary…

·      

• ·      It  brings forth the latent demand for useless news
• ·      Our sadist instincts and fears inside us (attacks of Timor and ‘Chudail’ stories)
• ·      Uses celebrities for free advertising (Amitabh, Dhoni) Cost cutting measures
• ·      Zero cost product (news out of nowhere)
• ·      Now-a –days has expanded to laughter shows and film music…. And yes…BABA RamDev

The result:

• ·      Happy housewives and saved marriages as TV kept them from fighting
• ·      New lease of life to religion…as the world was ending
• ·      Large revenue gain for all kinds of tantriks, bangali babas, astrologers as the culture catches up
• ·      Prospective cricketers taking good care of their mane
• ·      Any news is good news
• ·      Creativity is inversely proportional to the availability of quality news
• ·      News the best form of complete entertainment

Well that's breaking news .....